I Had Everything I Wanted

and Still Felt Lost

I remember sitting in the back of an Uber one night, headed to some influencer event in the Hills. Full glam. Hair pinned to perfection. And I just stared out the window thinking: Is this really it?

I was living the dream or so it looked. On paper, I was killing it. I had moved to LA, the city of lights, camera, and constant content. I was going to all the right events, getting invited into rooms I used to pray about. Posting the perfect content. Partnering with brands I used to dream of. I had a nice house. I was crossing off everything I thought would mean “I made it.”

I should’ve been ecstatic. I should’ve been happy. I should’ve felt fulfilled.
And yet… all I felt was tired. Like I was watching myself play the role of “Successful Content Creator” in someone else’s movie.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was living in survival mode; constantly producing, performing, and pushing myself to be “on.” Not because I wanted to. But because I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t even know who I was outside of the next post, the next launch, the next collab. And it’s wild because LA gave me so many of the things I thought I wanted: freedom, visibility, access. But what I didn’t expect was how lonely and disconnected I’d feel once I got them.

That’s the thing about chasing a version of success that isn’t yours; it’ll wear you out trying to keep up.

Eventually, I hit a wall. A soft, silent kind of burnout that didn’t announce itself… it just settled in. I started waking up wondering what the point was. I stopped feeling excited to create. I started asking if this was even the life I prayed for… or just the one I curated.

I began to ask the questions I’d been too afraid to say out loud:

Was this really what I moved here for?
Was I chasing purpose or performance?
Would anyone care if I just stopped?

And maybe you're not a content creator, but I know you’ve felt that too:

Doing everything “right.”
Checking all the boxes.
But still wondering… Why doesn’t this feel right?

That’s when I knew: it wasn’t just my content that needed to change.
It was me.

So I did something that scared me more than staying stuck: I packed up and moved back to Atlanta.

I told myself it was temporary, just a reset. But deep down? I knew it was bigger than that.

It was a return.
To peace.
To clarity.
To God.
To myself.

Because truthfully? I wasn’t just burnt out. I was disconnected.

From my “why.” From my voice. From the purpose that made me pick up a camera all those years ago.

So I stopped chasing the algorithm and started chasing alignment.

I got still. I got honest.
I prayed the scary prayers.
The ones that don’t always come with answers… but always come with clarity.

And the verse that carried me through that season?

Proverbs 19:21 – “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

Whew.

Because let me tell you: I had plans.
I had spreadsheets. Vision boards. Five-year timelines.

But none of it mattered if I was building a life that wasn’t rooted in truth.

Now? I’m rebuilding.
Slowly. Intentionally.

Not for applause. Not for aesthetics. But from a place that finally feels like home, even if it’s quieter than the LA hills.

So if you’re in a season where everything looks “fine”… but feels off; let me say this:

You’re allowed to pause.
You’re allowed to evolve.
You’re allowed to want more; not in numbers, but in meaning.

You can have everything you ever wanted and still feel lost.

But you don’t have to stay lost.

Ask the hard questions.
Take the scary step.
Rebuild, slowly and honestly.

Because on the other side of “this isn’t it”… might just be the version of you that’s finally free.

Talk soon, xo

Kiitan

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